The 10 Most Confusing Lines from Christmas Songs

1. "And so I'm offering this simple phrase / To kids from one to ninety-two" (The Christmas Song) - I know that songs generally have to rhyme, but why did the writer of this song stop at ninety-two? I guess it's the biggest number that could fit in the rhythmic pattern he had going, but seriously, most people don't even think of ninety-two as a big number. How about "to kids from one to infinity times two?"
2. "Troll the ancient Yuletide carol" (Deck the Halls) - Okay, I have to admit I had to look up two words for this one. If you don't know what Yuletide is, it's just another, more general word for the holiday season. Troll, however, is a word we sing and probably don't even think about. Apparently the word means "to sing in succession," but is there seriously anybody who uses that word anymore? I know there are a lot of Old English words in our Christmas carols, but at least we know what they mean and they don't bring up images of some ugly creature that lives under a bridge.
3. "And he only paused a moment when / He heard him holler 'Stop!'" (Frosty the Snowman) - For starters, the first "he" refers to Frosty, while the second refers to the "traffic cop." The verse ends with this line, and the next one is about Frosty leaving. Did Frosty get hit by a car because he only paused for a moment? I mean, if the traffic cop is "holler[ing] 'Stop!'," then there must have been traffic coming. He was a "traffic cop," after all. So maybe the last verse of this song takes place in the middle of the road with the snowy mess that was Frosty saying his dying words, not from the heat of the sun, but from not listening to that traffic cop.
4. "He made me a watchman / On the city wall / And if I am a Christian / I am the leat of all" (Go Tell It on the Mountain) - Okay, so this one's a little obscure, but the fact that the word "leat" can be confused with "leet (l33t)" makes this song all the more ambiguous/funny. The term "leet," if you do not know, is a variation on the word "elite" and is usually used in the Internet gaming realm to talk about just how awesome you are. When I searched for "leat" on Merriam-Webster.com, I got the following message, verbatim: "Leat, it turns out, isn't in the free Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary." Even Merriam and Webster don't think this word is important enough to include in the dictionary, and they have the word "fug" in their dictionary. Know what it means? Me either.
5. "You better watch out / You better not cry / You better not pout / I'm tellin' you why..." (Santa Claus is Coming to Town) - This song suffers from a case of mixed messages. Is it trying to tell children that you shouldn't be sad because Santa's on his way, or is it trying to say that criers and pouters will get a heaping lump of coal in their stockings? Sorry, but if I were a child and my parents told me that me crying would deny me all of Santa's goodies, I would be one miserable wreck.
6. "Take a look in the five-and-ten glistening once again / With candy canes and silver lanes aglow" (It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas) - This is another line that's lesser-known, but I couldn't have only nine songs in this list, so there you go. While there's a chance some people may know what a five-and-ten store is (it's kind of like a Dollar Tree/convenient store), what are the glowing silver lanes and why are they in that store? Is this a reference to all of the old people that shop there? After all, Silver Lanes sounds like a retirement home...or a senior bowling team.
7. "There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases / Long, long ago" (It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year) - Okay, who includes telling ghost stories in their slew of Christmas traditions? Okay honey, go get the kids. We just had dinner, opened presents, read the Christmas story, and now we have to scare the bejesus out of the little ones. Maybe this is something more common, but I know for a fact my family would have none of that nonsense, especially if it'll keep Pop Pop from his dinner.
8. "Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun / Now the jingle hop has begun" (Jingle Bell Rock) - "Snowing" is a common verb in Christmas songs. "Blowing up" is rather uncommon, unless you happen to be spending your holiday with Duke Nukem or John McClane. By the way, Die Hard is the best Christmas movie you can see with your family. If nothing else, it beats the hell out of ghost stories.
9. "Holy infant so tender and mild" (Silent Night) - Hearing "tender and mild" conjures up images of fried chicken. Definitely not a child from heaven.
10. "Here is a hammer and lots of tacks..." (Up on the Housetop) - This is the reason why "you'd better watch out" when Santa Claus is comin' to town. Imagine reaching into your stocking and pulling out a handful of tacks and a blunt weapon. Just what would you think of Santa Claus then?

The Five Most Bizarre Songs on My iPod at the Moment

I like for my music tastes to be more than just tastes. I like them to be experiences in tune with all of my senses. And sometimes my senses get together and possess me to have songs like the following five on my iPod. Songs that, if you've never heard them before, are sure to make you think just a little less of me, and for good reason. So, without further ado, here are the five most bizarre songs on my iPod at the moment (in no particular order).

1. Queen - Bring Back That Leroy Brown - If the 1920s were sticking their nose into any song written in the past forty years, this would have to be it as far as I have heard. Replete with bouncy rhythms, wild pitch changes and the sheer sharpness with which the song is pulled off, you'll wonder just what kind of band would put out something like this. The answer? Queen, because they rock.
2. Muse - Con-Science - Beginning with a very simple piano riff, Con-Science builds on that with which it begins with some of the creepiest melodies I've ever heard. Try and listen to this song with the lights off and not feel just a little scared. Go ahead, try it. There's a reason this song isn't very popular, but it's a dark corner of Muse's past that even most fans don't know about.
3. Radiohead - Everything in Its Right Place - Weird mumbles, grunts, computer noises, and robot sounds aside, this is a great song to memorize the lyrics to and interpret just however you want. Other than that, it makes you feel like you're lost in the middle of a Stanley Kubrick maze that's been tiled with LSD and aerated with Essence of Psychadelia.
4. Muse - Micro Cuts - Where Con-Science was spooky and haunting, Micro Cuts just makes you want to run for your life from this giant beast screaming its falsetto nonsense. Matt Bellamy, the singer/pianist/guitarist/songwriter for Muse, said that this song came about as a result of a nightmare he had involving giant blades swinging in the sky. I think the song conveys that very well. After listening to the video immediately after this block of text, type "Micro Cuts in G Major" into YouTube and be exponentially more scared.
5. Mindless Self-Indulgence - Tom Sawyer - If you don't like Rush, shame on you, first of all. Second of all, Mindless Self-Indulgence was kind enough to put together this little cover for you so you can BS your way through a conversation with any of those obnoxious hardcore Rush fans (yes, myself included). This song goes almost cardiac-arrestingly fast and makes the original feel like it's in slow motion. Is this a slap in the face or a tribute to Rush? That's for you to decide and for me to say that it doesn't matter what you say because it rocks.

So I hope this little list has shown you why I tend not to elaborate on the types of bands I listen to, or maybe it's convinced you to never ask what's in my car's CD player. Either way, I hope this was entertaining for you, and if there are any bizarre songs out there you think take the cake, feel free to comment on this post or message me on Facebook.

The Point of Know Return

It's 8:41 PM on Friday, December 3rd, 2010, and I'm still depressed.

It's almost funny in a sitcom sort of way, really. Just imagine me as the mentally unstable, gloomy old neighbor of the show's family. I come to their door again in this episode (and for the fifth time this season) and ask for that same measuring cup back I've been bothering them about returning since the show aired. Our protagonist pauses, lays down a smooth one-liner, and closes the door in my face as the canned laughter sees me out. Oh, that old Mr. Perkins, the audience thinks, what a miserable old fart. The sad thing is that I've created for myself this old fart persona, and I am a good forty-plus years from being old fart eligible.

And what would a strong character be without his good old personal struggles, right? What makes who I've become even more of a character is the fact that I've been hung up in a web spun with the most taught dramatic irony I have ever had the pleasure of being suspended in. Sure, it's true that nobody on this earth knows what the future holds (no, not even Miss Cleo), but I've never worried about my life as much as I have now, for the sheer reason that I'm sure somebody out there knows what's going to come of my current pressing situation. And I'm dying to know.

A good friend of mine (the band Rush) once told me that the point of the journey is not to arrive. Could a corollary to that be that the point of the arrival is the journey itself? In other words, do I want things to be resolved right, right now? The impatient side of me, which is unfortunately just about all of me, would say that yes, there's nothing more that I could want right now but for these circumstances to fix themselves. And even to an extent, that impatient side even recognizes that an adverse end to these circumstances would beat the hell out of hanging suspended over the edge of this chasm. However, there still exists a part of me that can't help but realize what all I've been learning through this experience, and that I still have more to learn before I'm ready to move on. But like an unceasing tide washes away whatever stands in its way regardless of how noble it is, so does my selfish, impatient side do to the part in me wanting to grow.

So what should I do, then? The key to taking on an enemy of considerable force is to have not only a good offense, but a superior defense. This infinitesimal part of me, this little patch of my brain that realizes there's still much for me to learn, needs to grow in order to provide a solid defense. It is unfortunate that depression is an enemy that can never be conquered for good like in the movies. But while I'm still missing what's kept me from having to fight this battle for so long, I have to construct my own defenses out of all I've got right now--myself.

It's 9:07 on Friday, December 3, 2010, and I'm a little less depressed.

Four Reasons to Loathe Texas A&M's Bus Transit System

The back of the buses are a den of frightening whirring demonic sounds. I have absolutely no idea what the hell kind of weapons/creatures are being used to slaughter the menagerie of mongooses (mongeese? Google Chrome says no.) in the back compartment of the bus, but it's one of the most unpleasant sounds I hear on a daily basis. Not to mention the heavy, periodic vibration that it sends up my legs, but that's probably just the giant beast that lives inside the bus snoring.

You must hold drag races to determine who your drivers are going to be. Whether it's because they get distracted by the yellow stripes on the road or because they get some twisted pleasure out of watching helpless sorority girls spill their Starbucks Frappe Crappe Machiatto Strangiato all over their North Face jackets, your drivers are going to kill us someday. I don't know if that's your goal or not, but if it is, you're well on your way toward a hunk of twisted metal, maroon shirts, and only the finest Polo apparel.

You secretly know how much I love watching you drive off as I walk up to the door. I can tell who the newbies are because they seriously think that running to the bus will get them on. See, they don't know that you just feed off of that sort of entertainment. Wait for Aaron--sprinting, drastically-late-for-his-test Aaron--to get just within cursing distance of your beloved bus and then close the doors and zoom off. How would you like it if I beat you over the head with one of those stop signs you habitually roll through and then let you painfully limp your way to the bus, only to take off? That's turning the tables quite a bit, huh?

You punish me for being a gentleman. Even after a long, hard day of classes, I still have no problem giving up my seat for a lady. Being that your drivers can't do an ounce of good, they decide to punish me for having such a capacity by planting bitter girls who get offended when you offer them your seat. There's nothing quite like debating whether to be chivalrous or not, finally giving in to be the gentleman, and then hearing YOU KNOW WHAT? HOW ABOUT YOU TREAT ME AS YOUR EQUAL when you make such a sacrifice. And then the whole bus looks at you like you threw a fresh batch of mongeese in the engine.

Someday I will have my revenge, A&M Bus Transit System. Someday.

A Short Poem in Need of a Title

You may never know

Just how much you mean to me

And I may never show

The bliss that your love did bring

We may never go

Further than we've gone thus far

Yet you should always know

That I love you for who you are

A Pearl at the Floor of a Twilight Ocean

I can't decide if music pulls me out of a slump or kicks me further into one.

As I sat in my bed earlier thinking about things (Calculus, mainly. Being a math major, I don't have the time not to think about Calculus), a group of alpha males started up an intense game of throwing-a-football-at-regular-intervals-in-easily-catchable-trajectories in the courtyard outside my dorm. All of that throwing, catching, and (not) moving and tackling must have shot up the testosterone in their system and this game of catch quickly turned into a game of catch-and-yell-at-the-top-of-your-lungs-so-as-to-disturb-people-who-actually-have-finals-to-study-for-you-inconsiderate-bastards. Either jealous because the Calculus test I was studying for was obviously much more demanding than their Intro to Reading Five-Plus Letter Words class, or because the opening strains of their symphony of grunts of spontaneous hollers didn't quite align with my musical tastes, I turned on some music.

Not wanting to favor any one song over another, I always start my excursion through my iPod by hitting Shuffle and just letting chance be my entertainer for the evening. The first song that came up was the song Glorious by Muse, a real gem of a B-side that should've ended up on the album, but that's not what this post is about (nor is the little football game earlier). Once I was able to identify the song, a familiar thought crossed my mind: I just know this song is going to depress the hell out of me...it always does. But, seeing as my iHome was twelve whole inches behind my head (that's over thirty centimeters, mind you), I decided to eschew being proactive for reasons unknown to me. Sure enough, the sound trickling in through my ears just settled as a dense mass in my chest and was converted into some chemical that makes you sigh a lot, apparently.

Now, I've been blindly navigating life through this unceasing and dense fog of gloom and worthlessness for a time that would make Eeyore call me a real killjoy, so adding a song like this on top of all of that really just caused things to retrograde. The weird thing is that I couldn't (and still can't) definitively explain what it was about the song that caused me to feel that way. Maybe the song had the potential to cheer me up, but I felt that wallowing in my own mess of self-pity was just the best thing to do. In retrospect, it made about as much sense as choosing not to jump out of the way of a speeding car because you think, "Gee, this broken tailbone and collapsed chest will be a great icebreaker for that social tomorrow."

Even though I had heard the song several times in the past, one line stood out among the rest as startlingly more positive (and relevant...Muse is still in their "conspiracy theory" stage). At the end of the second verse, as I was preparing for the big emotional release of the second chorus, Mr. Bellamy mumbled out "Don't close the doooooooooor on what yooouuu aaaddoooooorrreee...." It was in the midst of this dark shadow within an already-dark domain that I found a single particle of light that shone brighter than it ever would have in a world of ease and more general happiness. Don't close the door on what you adore. It took this British man whose credentials in psychiatry are very well in question to push me deeper in this twilight ocean so that I could find the tiniest semblance of light lying at the bottom. A single phrase lasting no more than seven seconds was the hidden treasure all along, and it was quite a journey getting there. I may know that my journey as a whole in this trying time isn't over, but at least I have this guiding light to light my way through whatever other ravines and trenches my circumstances have laid out for me. And even though I can only hope that the reign of these adverse circumstances is nearing its end, at least I know that there are little drops of light scattered in the most unlikely of places with the distinct purpose of leading me through these trying times.